The Beaverlick Gazette

         Polewhacker On Politics: Frumpslucker Fears Foul-play And Vote Fraud by Manny Polewhacker Just two weeks after the tumultuous and triumphant election of Delwood Oadecker to the office of Mayor of Beaverlick and already trouble is brewing in the dark, paneled, windowless City Council Room in the Beaverlick Town Hall and Laundromat. “I make a motion that Police Chief Brock Granite and his force investigate this last Mayoral election for possible interference in our Democratic process from the Mayor and the staff of the despicable and odious criminal cabal that runs that poisonous dung heap of a town just fifteen minutes from here down RT. 1: Hollow Butte” said councilwoman Eleanor Frumpslucker, wife of the owner of the town’s biggest distillery, Ferdinand “Ferd” Frumpslucker. “There is no way the esteemed and honorable Ingrid Craplock, wife of one of the town’s most beloved Mayors, the late, great Biff Craplock, could lose this election without it being r...

        LETTER TO THE EDITOR  By Digby Hamshanks (This week's Letter To The Editor comes to us from prominent Beaverlick Attorney and High Dive Chinese Checkers Champion Digby Hamshanks, from the law firm of Hinkle, Honkley, and Hamshanks Attorneys at Law.) To Whom It May Concern: Apparently, it appears to be the policy of The Beaverlick Gazette not to publicize the wonderful things the young people of this town are doing to better themselves, their schools, and their community. Therefore, it falls to the parents of these children to communicate to Beaverlickers the fine work our children are trying to accomplish. A good example of that outstanding effort would be the Beaverlick Fighting Catfish Cheerleaders and their knockers. To raise money to purchase new uniforms, the Beaverlick Cheerleaders are selling gorgeous, handmade wooden door knockers, made with care by local wood worker Bleven Feldmink. Each door knocker is created from a variety of hardwoods with a...

  Mothers Protest Clowns At Library by Dirk Stoneman Representatives from “Mothers Against Clowns (MAC)” picketed Monday afternoon in front of the Biddie Oldshanks Memorial Library to protest what they see as the indoctrination of the vulnerable minds of their children into the world of grease paint, red noses, and revolving bow ties. In a deal worked out by Denver “Happy Pants” Ersatz (W) with an as yet unnamed Circus, the library staff has been replaced with the Circus’ contingent of clowns, manning the check-out desk, helping customers with the computers, putting away books, and hosting book signings and having readings of famous books written by Beaverlickers. The last reading of that kind happened 23rd of June, 1952, when Whinemar Holtzenflat, noted Archeologist who was born and raised in Beaverlick, came to the library and read excerpts from his: “The Hills And Valleys Of Northeastern Kilutumba And The Horrifying Cannibals That Live There” . As Whimemar read, some of his audi...