The Beaverlick Gazette

          Beaverlick Canal Days A Rousing Success by Manny Polewhacker In February of 1850, Zeke Alibaster Clumblaster had the idea of digging a canal to link the upper lower Monahoolie River (”The Big Mo”) with the lower upper Mohana River (”The Little Mo”) with the canal cutting through the eastern part of the then-young town of Beaverlick. The building of the canal took the better part of a year, and in August of 1851, the Beaverlick Canal opened with the first boat arriving from Hollow Butte, driven by one Maldo Hamcrumble, who was trying to find a good place to fish for carp and got lost. Eight months later, the railroad came through, making the canal obsolete. The canal was filled in and paved over, and now it is the parking lot of Clem Craplin’s Burger Barn and the Mertyl “Slammer” Cramslop Memorial Strip Mall. Thus ends the tale of The Beaverlick Canal (aka “The No Mo”). Since then, Beaverlick has honored the canal that ran through town for less than a y...

       Beaverlicker Of The Week: Cleveland Fritch by Manny Polewhacker Just outside the town of Beaverlick, at the far end of Dog Lick Lake, is one of the oldest houses in the area: a quaint, modest four room clapboard home that sits on a little hill, under a canopy of tall oak trees, surrounded by flowers and guarded by two ferocious ducks named “Gorgon: Destroyer Of Worlds” and “Bonzo”. The man who lives inside that lovely little abode happens to be Beaverlick’s oldest Beaverlicker: Cleveland Fritch or, as his friends and family call him, “Slatz”. Slatz Fritch is one hundred and twenty years old; an amazing feat of longevity that Slatz chalks up to five things: clean living, a shot of whiskey in the morning, good cigars, a shot of whiskey at night, and a LOT of sex. When asked how the whiskey, cigars, and sex defined the concept of “Clean Living”, he replied: “Well, I’m alive, ain’t I? And I took a bath in the lake this morning, didn’t I? Therefore, clean living.” ...

  Progeny’s Party Peeves Parents by Dirk Stoneman: On Monday, Conway and Dipsey Trapshut came home from a trip to Sardinia, in which they stayed for two weeks in a cellar under a lightbulb, only to find their house wrecked from a party their son Dapple held the day before. The house, which is at 4200 ¾ Marvin Damplemyer Memorial Logging Path, suffered thousands of dollars of damage. According to Dipsey Trapshut: “Well, first of all, that week we left was so busy! First, Nelly Slapfat and her husband Eatmore gave birth to a little girl, Pertrude, who looks just like a lizard, and then there was the “Vegan Burger Special Incident” when we ate at The Burger Barn and I wound up getting a bikini ready body in twelve hours! TOTALLY not worth it. Then we had to put Grandma Fleek out to pasture and have Conway’s poodles sanded and polished, of course we had to pack, on Thursday night I had mudwrestling class, Conway had his spleen redecorated and we left from the hospital to the plane. So,...