The Beaverlick Gazette

          "Dick About Town!" by Dick Holder    I made arrangements with the owner/entrepreneur for a tour and a write-up. Bovina, overdelightedly, wrapped her arms around me and swallowed me with her ample bosom. Though it was a warm and fragrant bosom, I thought for seconds, I was gonna die – and for nought but a story. This story. The Gut Bucket Biker Bar and Food Court, is a one-story building comfortably nestling three commercial enterprises. The building itself is of a unique and confrontationally eclectic architectural composition. The front is a warm and welcoming ramshackle chic – the entryway to the Gut Bucket. Each side, both in creamsicle orange aluminum siding, were home to on the one side The Hot Waffle Hut; on the other side, the Catfish On A Stick Shack. The back wall was  a collage of cement blocks, bricks, block glass windows; one was silver, the other, blue; and there were more vent pipes, and louvres than would be found in a coc...

      Mysterious Goings on At Bammerslam Field House by Maria Tallchief Jones and Manny Polewhacker  (Editor’s note: Reports of strange noises and lights coming from the locker rooms at the Bing Bammerslam Memorial Stadium here in Beaverlick have been circulating for months. The Gazette sent two of its best investigative reporters (Disclosure: the only two), Maria Tallchief Jones and Manny Polewhacker to find out what's going on.)   Festus Arness has been cleaning the locker rooms and trainer's room at the Bing Bammerslam Memorial Stadium for ten years after fourteen years playing tambourine for Dave Tide and The Rolling Waves Rock ‘n’ Roll Review and three years studying Educational Enviromental Sanitation Sciences by mail. Gazette Reporter Maria Tallchief Jones interviewed Mr. Arness for this story:   JONES: Festus, have you heard or seen any of the noises or lights that have been rumored to be coming from the building late at night? Festus: Hard to say, ...

        "Acorns Don’t Sing, Chanterelles Don’t Dance" The Dame Jayne Weedy Dinner Theater In The Round. From The Front Row Center: A Review It’s Autumn in Beaverlick, where the new theater season begins early and the harlequin leaves arrive late. So it was with no small sense of excitement that this humble reviewer looked forward to the opening, Friday last, of “Acorns Don’t Sing, Chanterelles Don’t Dance”. What was there to look forward to? The fantastical extravaganza promised much, featuring: Dame Muffie Cryptworth , straight from off-off-way-off Broadway. Linc Baritone straight from the Hollywood movie blockbuster in 3-D Cinematrophy “Hey Kids Let’s Build A Barn And Put On A Show” The Tommy Tooney Dancers Whose DVD “Hard Dancing And Synchronized Calisthenics” has sold near a million copies. And, Ford Brassmount – Beaverlick’s own favorite son and graduate with honors, of the C J Huponahogg Junior College Department of Creative Communications – School of Theate...

     Bailiwick-Bluetooth Families Gather To Celebrate Anniversary  by Manny Polewhacker: A few minutes after one o’clock on the afternoon of Thursday April 8th, 1935, Oklahoma Bailiwick marched into the small town of Beaverlick. She was a huge man of a girl: 5’4”, 475 lbs. of pure, rolling fat. The whole of the woman, including her four chins, her back and neck fat, and even her forehead shook in rhythm to her every footstep and swing of her gigantic, ham-like arms. She was wearing overalls and a straw hat. That’s it. That’s all that she was wearing. She came from a family of indeterminate size that lived in the hills just outside of the city limits. The parents of the brood, Slam and Bertie Bailiwick, came to town every other week for supplies. Oklahoma’s believed-to-be older brother, Rheingold Bushmo Bailiwick, was seen once in 1967 with a backpack on his back walking out of town never to be seen again, and, of course, there has been the multi-decade rumor about “A...