#3 Mysterious Goings on At Bammerslam Field House by Maria Tallchief Jones and Manny Polewhacker and Obituaries
(Editor’s note: Reports of strange noises and lights coming from the locker rooms at the Bing Bammerslam Memorial Stadium here in Beaverlick have been circulating for months. The Gazette sent two of its best investigative reporters (Disclosure: the only two), Maria Tallchief Jones and Manny Polewhacker to find out what's going on.)
Festus Arness has been cleaning the locker rooms and trainer's room at the Bing Bammerslam Memorial Stadium for ten years after fourteen years playing tambourine for Dave Tide and The Rolling Waves Rock ‘n’ Roll Review and three years studying Educational Enviromental Sanitation Sciences by mail.
Gazette Reporter Maria Tallchief Jones interviewed Mr. Arness for this story:
JONES: Festus, have you heard or seen any of the noises or lights that have been rumored to be coming from the building late at night?
Festus: Hard to say, Missy...I'm hard of hearing and my eyes ain't too good... sometimes the lights flicker, but I figger that's due to the so-so electrical in here. One night I heard some moaning, but I shrugged it off to the team watching "Porky's" again in the film room.
JONES: So you're saying despite all the reports, you've not aware of anything strange going on?
Festus: Well, there are been bubbles occasionally in the whirlpool. Kids ain't supposed to put any Mr Bubbles in there, 'cause it a pain to clean out. And wet towels are sometimes left out...but other than that, nope.
Manny Polewhacker reports on what he learned from the coaching staff:
With the huge klieg lights off, the Bing Bammerslam Memorial Football field was murky and moonless. I walked around the field and up around the stands for almost an hour looking for Beaverlick High Basketball coach Tim ‘Bif’ Pussey and Fighting Catfish Football coach Pat Rump, with whom I had made an appointment to discuss the mysterious happenings at Beaverlick High School, when I noticed that the side door to the Ming “The Stove” Klappenhonker Memorial Concession stand had been jimmied open. Inside, I found coaches Pussey and Rump eating through bags of “Jet Fuel” Doritos and skimming beer off the kegs.
“Bif and I disagree about what’s going on here,” said coach Rump. “I think that the Seniors are playing a prank, or (High School) Principal Foly Huck trying to use the fantastic acoustics of the locker room to practice his German war songs for the talent portion of the State Principal of the Year competition, or it’s the wind. On the other hand, Bif…”
“It’s the Ghost of Bing Bammerslam, I tell ya!” exclaimed coach Pussey. “His spirit is walking around in the locker rooms! He’s restless! He has unfinished business here! Maybe he left something personal, like the locket of a loved one, or a dead linebacker under the hot tub! Or maybe he has a secret here that he can’t rest with, like his (rumored) love affair with Maude Sapmocker, the Home Economics teacher! MAYBE he LUSTS for BLOOD!”
Coach Rump leaned over and slapped coach Pussey hard across the face. “BIF! Get AHOLD of yourself! There’s NO SUCH THING AS GHOSTS!”
Coach Pussey shuddered. “You didn’t hear the HEAD bouncing around in the LOCKERS!”
Bing Bammerslam, famous Beaverlick football player and coach, was a five-time State High School Football VIP (he attended high school an extra year because he blew up the Chemistry Room and caused chemistry teacher Matilda Dinkle to go bald). He was a three-time State High School Football Coach of the Year (and nominated five more times after he retired from coaching and once two years after he died) and one-time Reno Chamber of Commerce Female Impersonator of the Year. Coach Bammerslam died from a cardiac infarction resulting from morbid obesity and seeing Louanne Prit undressing through her bedroom window (this same incident caused Cleveland Fritch to go blind for three months) and therefore was not, at any time, beheaded.
When reminded of these facts, coach Pussey wailed: “I didn’t say it was HIS head!”
Coach Rump, wanting to comfort his terrified colleague, wrapped his arms around coach Pussey, who put his head on the football coach’s broad shoulders and sobbed.
A stakeout was in order. Using night vision binoculars, since there are no lights in the parking lot, the High School building and, specifically the trainer’s room, were kept under constant watch. At 11:03pm on Friday, August 16, they spotted two shadowy figures enter the training building. They quietly entered the facility and heard music and a low light on in the training room. After arguing who would burst into the room first, which included furiously whispered threats of blackmail and violence and an extremely tense game of “Rock, Paper, Scissors”, they decided to go into the training room together.
JONES: The closer we got to the training room, we could hear that it was Barry White singing, along with a great deal of laughing and splashing. On the count of 3, we threw the door open to discover Festus and his 19-year-old Albanian mail-order bride, Antigona, bouncing around the whirlpool, naked as jaybirds.
I averted my eyes when Mr. Arness stood up in shock while having to physically restrain Polewhacker from climbing into the whirlpool with the janitor’s dusky beauty.
After Polewhacker promised the shaken janitor that we would keep a lid on the story to protect Mr. Arness’ job, and after my colleague asked Festus where he could go to “get me a broad like that?”, we left Festus Arness and his lovely Antigona to their evening, satisfied that we had solved the Mystery Of The Locker Room Lovebirds.
She was born to parents Lincoln and Aphrodite (nee Codswallop) Catflap in a cave near Birk Mountain, West Virginia; the youngest of 26 children and showed, at a very early age, an uncanny ability to divine water sources with her forehead and she became well known in her teens for racing polecats.
From Birk Mountain, Amberatta moved to New Jersey, where she was a Moll and part time Enforcer for the Jimmy “The Shin Kicker” Pasgetti mob and was present when the so-called “Head Enforcer” and Second in Command Carl “Apeface” McClain was assassinated in the men’s room of Dangblatter’s Boom-Boom Room.
Seeking a quieter life, she set out to see the Western United States but became confused by the Mississippi River and turned back, eventually coming to Beaverlick where she was heard to declare: “It’ll do”.
She married Cyrus Hirohito Blink on Aug. 14, 1955 and again on Sept. 5th, 1957 and they were blessed with four children: Daisy (Zoom) Backlick, identical twins Dipsey (Murf) Slagmeter and Doodle (Franklin) Bleck, and their youngest, a son, Rockhead.
Mrs. Blink will be sorely missed by her family, friends, her fellow Competition Knitting Society members and all of the people who enjoyed her famous canned Loganberries.
Services will be held at the Horace Dewley Memorial Chapel and internment will be at the Beaverlick Lazy Acres Cemetery in a plot right next to the recycling bins.
In lieu of flowers, the family suggests a small donation to the Link Slockleter Memorial Home For The Mildly Defensive.
Bernard “Bernie” Angelpuss Rut, 92, left this world to be with his Maker June 12th, 2019 after he attended the Morris Stinklebaum Circus and was accidentally run over by a clown car.
Bernie was born to Callahan and Martha (nee Gopsmack) on Dec. 4th, 1927 in an underground bunker somewhere in the plains of North Dakota where he joined his father’s business as an elastic tester in the underwear factory.
A bachelor all of his life, he came to Beaverlick with his best friend, Ronald Flinggrabber in a horse driven covered wagon along Interstate 92 before they both were arrested for being irrelevant. It was then that Bernie saw his dream house, which Ronald eventually bought. Bernie bought the house right next door and thus started the decades long feud between the two men that lasted until Bernie’s untimely death.
The feud ultimately was made worse when Ronald dug up the lovely stone path and the water fountain in the back yard and installed a replica of Stonehenge made of cinder blocks and bicycle tires. Bernie, already a talented artist, responded by sneaking over to Ronald’s side of the privacy fence and drawing Ronald’s wife Nester in an unnatural position wearing nothing but “Groucho Glasses” and gym socks.
Services were held at the Bash Sleeker Church of Universal Spirit and Bake Shop; and afterwards, his remains were stuffed into a cannon and shot into the side of the Flinggrabber home, as per his instructions.
Biorge “Binkie” Venrenten, 47, owner of Binkie’s Big Bang Fireworks Factory, passed away from injuries sustained when the lit end of his cigar dropped into and set off a huge crate off some Whisker Biscuits, Hoosker Doos, Hoosker Don’ts, Whistling Kitty Chasers, Honkey Lighters, Nipsey Daisers (with and without the Scooter Sticks), Finger Blasters, Zippity Do Dahs, three huge Whistling Bungholes, twenty seven Church Blasters, one Gut Buster and twelve Crap Flappers.
He leaves behind his wife of twenty four years, Elenor (nee Cringe) and three children, Donnie, 18, Debbie, 16, and Zappa, 3.
Per his wishes, he will finish being cremated and his ashes will be put into one of the fireworks in the Beaverlick Independence Day Display.
• The Beaverlick Gazette has been notified of the untimely death of Sonora Jane Woodpuller, 38, who passed away while skydiving in Antartica.
Though Ms. Woodpuller landed safely, unfortunately she did scare the nesting penguins and unwittingly died in a stampede. Apparently, Ms. Woodpuller landed on the icy shores of the Continent wearing a black, tuxedo-like flight suit and the penguins thought “she was their god”, according to world renowned penguin researcher Archibald Flit.
Ms. Woodpuller was brought back to Beaverlick, and services are pending as soon as she thaws out. The Woodpuller family ask that their privacy be respected during this difficult time and an announcement will be made regarding her funeral plans in the near future.
The family is accepting temporary donations of space heaters and hair dryers at this time.
Beaverlick: A small town where the vast majority of the townspeople, known as Beaverlickers, spend their lives safely nuzzled in a fragrant and fastidiously manicured valley, nestled between two mountains right in the heart of the American Mid-West.
The Beaverlick Gazette celebrates the ecstasy of Beaverlick achievement that routinely judders the sleepy little valley and exposes the viruses of crime and corruption that occasionally infects the little vale.
The Beaverlick Gazette: bringing small town news to the whole wide world.
-Alvena Coldcock: Winner Of The ‘Introduce Beaverlick To Real People’ Essay Contest.
(Editor's Note: The Beaverlick Gazette Writers are: Modesty Fiona Blaise, Sparky Murphy, George Palczynski, and Kelly J Randall. Artwork by Sparky Murphy and Kelly J Randall. "Stoopid Tunes" by Psykosity)
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