#8: Mothers Protest Clowns At Library by Dirk Stoneman, Parts Of The Rich And Famous Visit Beaverlick by Manny Polewhacker, and Beaverlick News In Brief
Representatives from “Mothers Against Clowns (MAC)” picketed Monday afternoon in front of the Biddie Oldshanks Memorial Library to protest what they see as the indoctrination of the vulnerable minds of their children into the world of grease paint, red noses, and revolving bow ties.
In a deal worked out by Denver “Happy Pants” Ersatz (W) with an as yet unnamed Circus, the library staff has been replaced with the Circus’ contingent of clowns, manning the check-out desk, helping customers with the computers, putting away books, and hosting book signings and having readings of famous books written by Beaverlickers.
The last reading of that kind happened 23rd of June, 1952, when Whinemar Holtzenflat, noted Archeologist who was born and raised in Beaverlick, came to the library and read excerpts from his: “The Hills And Valleys Of Northeastern Kilutumba And The Horrifying Cannibals That Live There” . As Whimemar read, some of his audience fell asleep. Some went catatonic. Betsy Anne Rumpfondler just gave up living and died right there on the spot.
According to Broomhilda Smirk, 46, local mother, housewife, and spokeswoman for MAC, feels that there is more going on at the library that meets the eye.
“My six-year-old son came home from the library one day and told me he wanted to go to “Clown College” when he grew up!” exclaimed Smirk. “Did YOU know they had a College? I didn’t know they have a college! They have a COLLEGE! They actually have a CLOWN COLLEGE! What do they LEARN there? What goes on at the CLOWN COLLEGE? Are they learning how to apply their greasepaint? Learning how to get a pie in the face? How to be one of a bunch of clowns getting out of a little car? Do you KNOW where that LEADS? COMMUNISM!”
Ms. Smirk continued, and I wasn’t about to stop her as she appeared to be on quite a roll and was jabbing the sharp end of her umbrella at me as she spoke.
“My seven-year-old daughter came home that same day and did a coin trick! Taught to her by one of those weird, terrifying men in makeup, wild clothes, huge shoes, and fright wigs! They are being told that it’s OK to be a clown; that EVERYONE has a clown inside them. How petrifying is THAT?” she said angrily. “They say that clowns are people too, but that is an illusion; just like making the coin disappear into the air: People are people. Clowns are mentally ill!”
Ms. Smirk then showed me some of the special books available while the clowns are running the Library: “When Calvin The Clown Became Cool”, “Boffo The Clown Saves The European Union”, “The Sad Clown Takes Acid And Plays Russian Roulette”.
“Here is one called ‘Zippy Dangles His Doo-Dah!”, Ms. Smirk shouted. “What kind of a world are we living in?”
“I’ll tell you one thing,” concluded Ms. Smirk, “as sure as my name is Broomhilda Murgatroyd Smirk, MY children will NOT be coming to the LIBRARY as long as those CLOWNS are there!”
The history of Clowns is long and aggravating and not worth going into: suffice to say that men in makeup and huge shoes have been irritatingly chasing each other around with a wastepaper basket filled with confetti for centuries as the court jesters to Royalty, or the beachside conman running a rigged carnival shooting game for stuffed animals. Generally, though loved by few and hated by many, Clowns have been left alone to live their multicolored lives sweeping up a ring of spotlight and poking themselves in the eyes. It has only been recently, when Clowns have been pressing to have society accept their “lifestyle” as normal and healthy, that there have been great tension between Clowns and members of regular civilization.
“We are just working in the Library, you know?” explained Lumpy the Clown. “We’re checking in books. We’re checking out books. We’re putting away books. Why does it matter that those jobs are being done by men wearing greasepaint, fright wigs, and multi-colored one-piece costumes? Yes, sometimes one of us would leave a banana peel on the floor for another to slip on in a funny way, and yes, sometimes pie fights that some of the kids got involved in,” he admitted, “but we aren’t evil. Most kids LIKE clowns! Some of them want to be clowns!” Lumpy explained. “How are there going to be any NEW clowns if there aren’t kids that want to BE clowns? We are here to tell people that it’s OK to be a CLOWN!” said Lumpy while squirting me with a trick flower in his lapel.
In a few weeks, the Circus will be back on the road, and Beaverlick’s Biddie Oldshanks Memorial Library will be staffed by the regular staff, with the exception of LaRee Oldendroop, who will be retiring from the office of Head Librarian at the age of 93. A new Head Librarian has been chosen, and she is Bitsy Headlights, 22, a recent graduate at an Ivy League college where she studied Library Sciences and minored in exotic dancing.
Denver “Happy Pants” Ersatz, Beaverlick Councilman and head of the Library Board, welcomes Ms. Headlights to Beaverlick and wishes her Good Luck with her new job.
Parts Of The Rich And Famous Visit Beaverlick by Manny Polewhacker
Beaverlick found itself honored to have appearing, at the Second Picnic Bench Shelter at the Morris Dewberry Memorial Park, Erasmus Klunk and his Traveling Rich And Famous People Parts.
The world-traveled “museum-on-wheels” will be on view 20th to 24th of this month during park hours
“My Daddy used to work in Hollywood,” Klunk explained. “One time, Dad was working on set when he was asked to clean up Jerry Lewis’ dressing room after the famous clown of stage and screen had his session with the hairdresser. He managed to get a vial and he brought me home some of Mr. Lewis’ nose hairs! That’s what started all this!”
The “All This” that Erasmus refers too with such flourish are a collection of amazing exhibits, which include St. Francis of Assisi’s toenail clippings, Marilyn Monroe’s earwax shaped into the form of a mammary, and a button that was on a jacket once worn for two minutes of screen time by legendary co-star of TV’s “Batman”: Burt Ward.
Klunk showed off some of the more esoteric fare in his collection. “Over here, I have one of Michael Jackson’s other noses, and we have an orchidometer once fondled by Queen Anne,” Klunk explained as he pulled out drawer after drawer of historical wealth. “Right there in the corner is a speaker cabinet that Jimi Hendrix once pissed on, and right next to you is Frances X. Bushman’s saddle sores!”
Klunk’s Rich And Famous People Parts exhibit, began when he was a teenager in high school, has grown significantly since the young man first set up the exhibit in the Amtrack train station men’s room in his small home town of Justgagme Utah.
“I went to the East Los Angeles Hollywood Stars Bumfights and Auction when I was 26,” recalled Klunk. “Even though I got the livin’ SNOT beat out of me, I bought Angelica Huston’s belly button lint, a half full tube of toothpaste once used by Mamie Eisenhower’s pool-boy, a vial of John Belushi’s vomit, and three quarters of a muffin that was being eaten by Nikola Tesla in his lab when he turned on one of his experiments and had his big toe blown off by the rush of electricity. The audiences seemed to grow by the day!”
Now, Erasmus Klunk’s “Moving Museum” boasts 107 separate parts of the collection and also features a slide-show presentation of “Eyebrows of Famous Women From History” and Klunk’s assistant “Teensie” who does an interpretive dance version of Muhammad Ali’s gym socks.
I urge all Beaverlickers to come and see Erasmus Klunk’s magnificent display of fine collectables of the famous, and the infamous. Where else would you get to see, with your very own eyes, the toothpick that Judas Iscariot used at the second-to-last supper?
Beaverlick found itself honored to have appearing, at the Second Picnic Bench Shelter at the Morris Dewberry Memorial Park, Erasmus Klunk and his Traveling Rich And Famous People Parts.
The world-traveled “museum-on-wheels” will be on view 20th to 24th of this month during park hours
“My Daddy used to work in Hollywood,” Klunk explained. “One time, Dad was working on set when he was asked to clean up Jerry Lewis’ dressing room after the famous clown of stage and screen had his session with the hairdresser. He managed to get a vial and he brought me home some of Mr. Lewis’ nose hairs! That’s what started all this!”
The “All This” that Erasmus refers too with such flourish are a collection of amazing exhibits, which include St. Francis of Assisi’s toenail clippings, Marilyn Monroe’s earwax shaped into the form of a mammary, and a button that was on a jacket once worn for two minutes of screen time by legendary co-star of TV’s “Batman”: Burt Ward.
Klunk showed off some of the more esoteric fare in his collection. “Over here, I have one of Michael Jackson’s other noses, and we have an orchidometer once fondled by Queen Anne,” Klunk explained as he pulled out drawer after drawer of historical wealth. “Right there in the corner is a speaker cabinet that Jimi Hendrix once pissed on, and right next to you is Frances X. Bushman’s saddle sores!”
Klunk’s Rich And Famous People Parts exhibit, began when he was a teenager in high school, has grown significantly since the young man first set up the exhibit in the Amtrack train station men’s room in his small home town of Justgagme Utah.
“I went to the East Los Angeles Hollywood Stars Bumfights and Auction when I was 26,” recalled Klunk. “Even though I got the livin’ SNOT beat out of me, I bought Angelica Huston’s belly button lint, a half full tube of toothpaste once used by Mamie Eisenhower’s pool-boy, a vial of John Belushi’s vomit, and three quarters of a muffin that was being eaten by Nikola Tesla in his lab when he turned on one of his experiments and had his big toe blown off by the rush of electricity. The audiences seemed to grow by the day!”
Now, Erasmus Klunk’s “Moving Museum” boasts 107 separate parts of the collection and also features a slide-show presentation of “Eyebrows of Famous Women From History” and Klunk’s assistant “Teensie” who does an interpretive dance version of Muhammad Ali’s gym socks.
I urge all Beaverlickers to come and see Erasmus Klunk’s magnificent display of fine collectables of the famous, and the infamous. Where else would you get to see, with your very own eyes, the toothpick that Judas Iscariot used at the second-to-last supper?
Beaverlick News In Brief by D.B. Fleck
Clemson Arbogail Cowflap III Became only the third man in history to successfully traverse the Colorado River on a painting by Jackson Pollock.
Sniff Ranklin and Bertrand Cumslapper were arrested Friday protesting the 67th French Philosophy Convention and charged with possession of ennui with intent to distribute.
The Our Lady Of Perpetual Motion Ladies Aid Society will be performing the classic two act play “The Lids Are Off The Trashcans In The Alley Of My Love” Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights at 8:00PM in the Slap Hapford Memorial Theater-In-The-Round And Donut Shoppe. Those audience members who wish to participate in the orgy scene are asked to sign up an hour before doors open.
Blink, a former landscaper, Scout Master, and Barbara Eden impersonator, was a nice, kind, cheerful, clean smelling man who was always ready to sing a song, tell a tale, or even juggle some cats.
He will be missed.
Clemson Arbogail Cowflap III Became only the third man in history to successfully traverse the Colorado River on a painting by Jackson Pollock.
Sniff Ranklin and Bertrand Cumslapper were arrested Friday protesting the 67th French Philosophy Convention and charged with possession of ennui with intent to distribute.
The Our Lady Of Perpetual Motion Ladies Aid Society will be performing the classic two act play “The Lids Are Off The Trashcans In The Alley Of My Love” Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights at 8:00PM in the Slap Hapford Memorial Theater-In-The-Round And Donut Shoppe. Those audience members who wish to participate in the orgy scene are asked to sign up an hour before doors open.
Customers of Al’s Bar ‘N Bait are asked to take a moment out of their busy drinking schedule to remember one of their own: Diamond (The Madman) Blink, who became the only person in history to go from 6’5” in height to 3’7” and to die from having his tailbone shoved into his brain due to an unfortunate gardening accident.
Blink, a former landscaper, Scout Master, and Barbara Eden impersonator, was a nice, kind, cheerful, clean smelling man who was always ready to sing a song, tell a tale, or even juggle some cats.
He will be missed.
Beaverlick: A small town where the vast majority of the townspeople, known as Beaverlickers, spend their lives safely nuzzled in a fragrant and fastidiously manicured valley, nestled between two mountains right in the heart of the American Mid-West.
The Beaverlick Gazette celebrates the ecstasy of Beaverlick achievement that routinely judders the sleepy little valley and exposes the viruses of crime and corruption that occasionally infects the little vale.
The Beaverlick Gazette: bringing small town news to the whole wide world.
-Alvena Coldcock: Winner Of The ‘Introduce Beaverlick To Real People’ Essay Contest.
(Editor's Note: The Beaverlick Gazette Writers are: Modesty Fiona Blaise, Sparky Murphy, George Palczynski, and Kelly J Randall. Artwork by Sparky Murphy and Kelly J Randall. "Stoopid Tunes" by Psykosity)
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