#10 The Beaverlick Gazette: Frumpslucker Fears Foul Play, and The Beaverlick Events Calendar!
by Manny Polewhacker
Just two weeks after the tumultuous and triumphant election of Delwood Oadecker to the office of Mayor of Beaverlick and already trouble is brewing in the dark, paneled, windowless City Council Room in the Beaverlick Town Hall and Laundromat.
“I make a motion that Police Chief Brock Granite and his force investigate this last Mayoral election for possible interference in our Democratic process from the Mayor and the staff of the despicable and odious criminal cabal that runs that poisonous dung heap of a town just fifteen minutes from here down RT. 1: Hollow Butte” said councilwoman Eleanor Frumpslucker, wife of the owner of the town’s biggest distillery, Ferdinand “Ferd” Frumpslucker.
“There is no way the esteemed and honorable Ingrid Craplock, wife of one of the town’s most beloved Mayors, the late, great Biff Craplock, could lose this election without it being rigged,” she continued. “There MUST have been a conspiracy to rig this election in favor of Mr. Oadecker, and I, for one, want it investigated!”
After a spirited chorus of “Hear! Hear!” and table banging from Mrs. Frumpslucker’s fellow Wild Party members on the council, Mayor Oadecker gamely gave the floor to Mr. Archibald Kremp, owner of Kremp’s Antique Bed Slats, who gave a spirited defense of his fellow Serious Party member, Mayor Oadecker:
“Eleanor, you horrible, malodorous, degenerate drunkard! If there was some way I could get you to the Morris Dewberry Memorial Park and stuff you into the Colonel Bump Dinglestuffer memorial cannon and shoot you into the side of Ed Keifer’s barn, I would do it in a cold hard minute!” he said, pounding on the table for emphasis and waking up his fellow Councilman, Bert Flack. “How DARE you impugn the integrity of our honorable and distinguished Mayor, and degrade and diminish the votes of the great Beaverlickers who voted for him?”
Suddenly, amid the hubbub of table pounding and arguing, with Mayor Oadecker desperately trying to call the Council to order, eighty-six year old councilman Denver “Happy Pants” Ersatz, Serious Party Councilman for the district just south of Dr. Evenrude Burfenhoffenderschmermanstrom Blvd. picked up a tin foil ashtray and tried to throw it at the head of Councilman Kremp’s head, but fortunately for Councilman Kremp, it landed on the floor two feet in front of Councilman Ersatz, although the lit cigarette butt that was in the ashtray inopportunely landed down the front of Serious Party Council Member Mary Ellen Landseal and set fire to her girdle, which required the services of members of the fire department to come in and hose her down with a fire extinguisher.
After the laughing subsided and a break for watercress and string cheese sandwiches and Boston Iced Tea, Mayor Oadecker once again called the Council to order and proclaimed his innocence.
“I am completely innocent,” The Mayor proclaimed. “I abhor these squirrelious…”
“Scurrilous, Mr. Mayor,” injected Councilman Flack.
“I abhor these scurrilous allegations! My staff and I ran a clean and ultimately victorious campaign for the office of Mayor! Beaverlicker’s throughout the entire town pulled their heads out of the safe, warm pockets in which they live their lives and voted for me and MY vision for this town, to make this town acceptable again and besides,” he added with a wave of his hand, “better me than that crusty, drunken, corrupt, hideous old bat Ingrid Craplock! She would have taken this town and…”
“…FLUSHED IT DOWN THE TOILET!” exclaimed Great Party Councilman Bumfluff Weaver.
After Mayor Oadecker asked the secretary to strike Councilman Weaver’s statement from the permanent record, and then strike Councilman Weaver, The Mayor made a motion to table talk of an election investigation until the next Council meeting, which passed five to four in favor of the table. The motion was tabled but not before Councilwoman Frumpslucker swore on her crazy Aunt Lucille’s grave that she would see the Mayor in Jail for fraud, malfeasance, corruption, and other accusations she would come up with later.
Mayor Oadecker then asked for new business.
The Council decided to award the contract to fertilize the Betsy Punswapper Memorial Gardens to Marty’s Cow Poop Pantry. They also awarded the contract to oil the squeaky swing on the swing set at the Morris Dewberry Memorial Park to Dingo Sweetly, who recently purchased some WD-40 at the Beaverlick General Store and who also owns his own electric screwdriver.
The Council agreed to release the funds to the street repair crew to fix the potholes on Gay Street, and to replace the sewage pipes leading to Vern and Maise Goutbloater’s bathroom.
Finally, the Council agreed to finance the one hundred and first “Potbuckle Day” and to award a one thousand dollar scholarship to the winner of the “Miss Potbuckle” contest, along with a shopping trip to all the stores on Main St., and a one hundred and fifty dollar coupon for plastic surgery, donated by Councilman Ersatz.
The Beaverlick City Council will reconvene next month on the second Wednesday of the month, as usual.
Beaverlick Couple Returns From Arizona With Surprise
by Manny Polewhacker
Delvin Broomstick and his wife, Arthura, returned from a fun-filled adventure in the deserts of Tucson and Phoenix, Arizona last Tuesday. They visited family, enjoyed the “Painted Desert”, and brought home a bag of what looked like prickly green apples.
Delvin told his family, friends, and neighbors that an old Native American explained to him that the green, little round button-looking objects were “cactus tomatoes” and soon, Arthura was going to use the cactus tomatoes in a stew.
Wednesday, about an hour after dinner, Beaverlick Police were called to the Broomstick residence to find Delvin and Arthura nude in the yard. Delvin was standing on the hood of his car, shouting about “Universal Oneness” and “The Vibration of Om” and Arthura was barking and howling like a St. Bernard.
According to authorities, what was thought to be “cactus tomatoes” was actually peyote buttons.
Peyote is a psychoactive alkaloid that comes from a small cactus that grows wildly in the Chihuahuan Desert, can be found in areas of Texas, Arizona, and Mexico, and is common among scrub where there is limestone settlement. This plant, particularly the mescaline within the plant, can produce a wide range of effects including deep insight into one’s spiritual side. Auditory and visual hallucinations are also common with the use of Peyote.
Police wrangled the Broomsticks into an ambulance, but not before Arthura lifted her leg and relieved herself on the back wheel of the ambulance and Delvin started yelling about the meaning of life.
Beaverlick Police Officer Crawford Squirt assured this reporter that he and his fellow officers will take the remaining peyote buttons back to the police station, where they will be destroyed.
In related news, the Sheriffs Department was called to the Beaverlick Police Department last night and found the entire force, including Police Chief Brock Granite naked outside the station barking like dogs and screaming about being “One with The Universe”. According to Sheriff Donnie Curbsmacker, “We have no idea what has caused our colleagues to behave in such a way, but we are investigating all options, including gas leaks and spoiled donut fillings.”
When asked for comment, Police Chief Brock Granite said: “I CAN SEE INTO YOUR SOUL, MAN! WE ARE ALL PART OF THIS UNIVERSE AND THE UNIVERSE IS A PART OF US! WHY THE HELL IS YOUR FACE MELTING?”
The Police Department was fully staffed today, with officers spending most of the day drinking a tremendous amount of coffee and occasionally crying.
Chief Granite would like to assure the residents of Beaverlick that their Police are ready to deal with any calls they receive: “Just don’t harsh our buzz, man,” said Granite, “some of us just can’t handle the hassle.”
Beaverlick Events Calendar Sept/Oct
by Dick Holder
Football Game:
C J Huponahogg Junior College Fighting Boars Home Opener Football Game vs Morebuck JC Mocking Microbes
When September 26, 8 PM
Where: Bing Bammerslam Memorial Football Field
* Note: Fighting Boars Cheerleader and Stadium Vendor tryouts – September 16, 6:42 PM Bammerslam Stadium Parking Field.
****
The Beaverlick’s MinuteMen Home Guard Irregulars are meeting October 1, 6:30 pm at Beaverlick Expo & Sunday After Meetin’ Pancake & Grits Banquet Hall. On tap? Complimentary Boilermakers with recruiting trip to Home Guard training facilities at Shugg Mesa Cliffs, Look Out Point – just outside east of unincorporated Humper Wells
BYOG&A (Bring your own guns and ammo)
Acting Commander: Billy Ray Joe Bushface
Recruiting Officer: Knute “Stitch” Moretensnorr
Military/National Guard vets welcome.
Call: 123-048-1239 Ask for Lefty
****
Beaverlick OctoberZest & Beer Bash Extravaganza.
Braukampfen, Beer Baths, Hop Fights, Belching Contests, Drunk Midget Tossing, and Beer Goggles Beauty Pageant.
Where (sites):
1. Morris Dewberry Memorial Park
2. Eustis Pirkle Park by the Crick
3. Tamperweed Forest Preserve – Yogi Bear Pikinik Grounds
When: October 2 through October 26
****
Beaverlick Concert In The Park
Where: Eustis Pirkle Park – Houston Beulah Memorial Gazebo And Bandshell
When: October 4 – 24
Featured Scheduled Acts:
Don Rompers And The Frat Boyz All Jugs Band
Sig Ruman And The Bell Ringers Octet
Rip Ruxall And The Road Toadies
Hoakey and Sparkles
Heavy Kettle And The Shrieks
Bangin On Bar Stoolz
Just Movin’ On Up Gospel Choir
Tickets: Ticket-Me at the Small Mall In The Round
or call – 123-TICKETZ
****
Midnight Halloween Party
Where: Humper Wells Sleepitoff Cemetary and Plastic Flower Center
Theme: I’m So Glad You’re Gone You Rascal You
Time: 9 PM ’till no one’s left
Call: Brunhilde Copacabanka 123-581-3784
****
Snaplflemmer Farms Pumpkin Chunkin’ Challenge: “Where you can get drunk and not worry over shooting off a toe; just getting hit in the head by an over-ripe 3 pound pumpkin Trebuchet”, courtesy of Henrich Snaplflemmer. Bring your Halloween goblin pumpkins and un-et pumpkin pies.
Where? Tamperweed Prairie across from Tamperweed Forest Preserve!
Classical Pianist Plays Town Hall Stage
by Dirk Stoneman
Next week, on Wednesday at 8:00 PM, the Sadie Flick-Dabbler Memorial Stage at the Town Hall will be the site of a concert given by one of the most celebrated classical pianists and composers in this area.
Zingfeld Horatio Nyuug, a classical pianist for the University Of Altered States Symphony Orchestra and Mountain Climbing Club and the lead composer for the Madge Spackle Performance Society, will be honoring Beaverlick with a recital featuring some of his most well-known works.
Nyuug’s performance will include his Variations on Brahm’s Third Racket Schleptet in Eb Major, Pervimento for Rubber Dipthongs and Orchestra, Vanilla Capriccio With Extra Foam And Fluglehorn, and the debut performance of Hansel and Gretel and Ted and Alice: An Opera In One Unnatural Act. He will also be playing Fat’s Waller’s “Your Feets Too Big” but no one is sure why.
Prior to Nyuug’s recital, the ladies of the Madge Spackle Performance Society will sing a selection of songs from their soon-to-be-staged musical, “Guns, Guys, And Girdles!” because nothing can stop them from doing it and it is illegal to shoot them.
The post-concert dinner and meet-and-greet will be catered by Quintella Smirk’s Neat Meats And Sweet Stuff and afterwards, the traditional “Rolling The Out-Of-Town Visitor Down The Hill” ceremony at the Sam Milburn Memorial Hill at Beaverlick’s scenic Morris Dewberry Memorial Park.
Mr. Nyuug, it will be an honor for the town of Beaverlick to roll you down its hill!
Welcome To Beaverlick And The Town’s ONLY Newspaper: The Beaverlick Gazette!
Beaverlick: A small town where the vast majority of the townspeople, known as Beaverlickers, spend their lives safely nuzzled in a fragrant and fastidiously manicured valley, nestled between two mountains right in the heart of the American Mid-West.
The Beaverlick Gazette celebrates the ecstasy of Beaverlick achievement that routinely judders the sleepy little valley and exposes the viruses of crime and corruption that occasionally infects the little vale.
The Beaverlick Gazette: bringing small town news to the whole wide world.
-Alvena Coldcock: Winner Of The ‘Introduce Beaverlick To Real People’ Essay Contest.
(Editor’s Note: The Beaverlick Gazette Writers are: Modesty Fiona Blaise, Sparky Murphy, George Palczynski, and Kelly J Randall. Artwork by Sparky Murphy and Kelly J Randall. “Stoopid Tunes” by Psykosity)
In a stunning announcement: Cable Channel Nine CEO Brick Whimbley told reporters this morning that "Stoopid Tunes", a low rated children's cartoon show that ran for eleven seasons on the channel, is returning to Cable Channel Nine in it's regular Sunday morning slot: 7:30 AM (EST), September 7th.
"As soon as we rebuild the studios that were damaged by the explosion, Nip and Erg will be back on our airwaves!" said the visibily shaken Whimbley.
The "explosion" Whimbley refers to is the one that happened last summer when one of "Stoopid Tunes" co-host, Erg J Mindvoice, blew up the "Stoopid Tunes Live!" stage he and his partner, Nip D. Bird, were performing on. Their live show was conceived to inspire Cable Channel Nine to re-instate the show following it's cancellation last year.
In response to the announcement, the press beat Mr. Whimbley senseless.
IN TWO WEEKS:
Comments
Post a Comment