#9: Digby Hamshanks Supports The Youth, Beaverlick Police Investigate Cannon Fire, and Mishap At Fair: Local Woman Flies Rollercoaster Into Barn
LETTER TO THE EDITOR
By Digby Hamshanks
(This week's Letter To The Editor comes to us from prominent Beaverlick Attorney and High Dive Chinese Checkers Champion Digby Hamshanks, from the law firm of Hinkle, Honkley, and Hamshanks Attorneys at Law.)
To Whom It May Concern:
Apparently, it appears to be the policy of The Beaverlick Gazette not to publicize the wonderful things the young people of this town are doing to better themselves, their schools, and their community. Therefore, it falls to the parents of these children to communicate to Beaverlickers the fine work our children are trying to accomplish.
A good example of that outstanding effort would be the Beaverlick Fighting Catfish Cheerleaders and their knockers.
To raise money to purchase new uniforms, the Beaverlick Cheerleaders are selling gorgeous, handmade wooden door knockers, made with care by local wood worker Bleven Feldmink. Each door knocker is created from a variety of hardwoods with an eye towards quality. They come in three different sizes, small, large, and ridiculous, and each size features a different face from Beaverlick history: the small door knocker has the face of famous Beaverlick World War One hero Sargent Bingo Frelm, who saved his entire platoon when he gallantly and accidentally tripped over an ammo box and fell into a cannon which fired a shell into the ammunition dump of the enemy and blew up the town of Le Mesnil-lès-Woopsie.
The large door knocker features the face of C.J. Huponahogg, the famous Beaverlick educator who pioneered the use of laser pointers for use in the classroom and invented the rubber eraser, used in classrooms for years until he inadvertently shined a laser pointer at a pile of rubber erasers while explaining the works of Proust to his students and burned down the original Beaverlick High School, subsequently creating the Eternal Fire Pit just outside of town, where people go to roast hot dogs and marshmallows over the fire that still burns to this day just outside of the city limits.
The ridiculous-sized door knocker is made of oak carved into the beloved visage of our most famous sportsman, Bing Bammerslam himself, featuring little pom-poms for his eyes and the words “Fighting Catfish” carved into his teeth. Residents wishing to purchase a ridiculous-sized door knocker are advised that the combined weight of the carving is approximately three hundred and sixty-five pounds and will be delivered by Arnie “You Crash ‘Em We Stash ‘Em” Bullwank’s towing service at no extra charge.
Installation is the responsibility of the buyer.
The last time uniforms were purchased for the Beaverlick Cheerleading Squad was in 1977. As a matter of fact, my daughter Airiella is wearing the exact same uniform I wore when I attended Beaverlick High School! The cheer sweaters are worn and threadbare, the skirts have been sown and re-sown over and over again so and the pleats in the skirts have been replaced with so many patches the girls look like they are wearing quilts around their waists. I think we all remember the game Beaverlick High School played away at Sasquatch Hill, where a small half-time riot was caused when our Head Cheerleader, Myrna Slamtoddy, had her entire uniform disintegrate when rain started to fall during the Sasquatch Hill Marching Band’s tribute to the life and work of William Howard Taft.
It’s an absolute disgrace!
Also, I think it is important to note that this weekend, the Beaverlick High School Majorettes will be selling home-made hamburger and hot dog buns at the Morris Dewberry Memorial Park to raise money for new batons. As I am sure many are aware, the batons the girls are using have no rubber ends, and last year one of the girls unintentionally turned and hit a tuba player in the face, cutting of his nose, and two years ago, Head Majorette Tiffany Smoot-Whitherspoon-Sneet was performing her famous “fire baton” routine with a wooden baton her father made, which she threw into the end zone stands because the baton became consumed with fire, and it burned down half the stands and most of the goal post.
To the Editor of the Beaverlick Gazette: PLEASE do more stories on the activities and events important to the town’s young people, and to the citizens of Beaverlick, PLEASE purchase our cheerleaders’ knockers and our majorettes’ buns!
God Bless America:
Digby Miriam Hamshanks (Mr.)
(Currently wearing a full-length white taffeta gown and fishing boots.)
Beaverlick Police Investigate Cannon Fire by Dirk Stoneman
Friday night, The Beaverlick Police received a call from Flick Depler, resident at The Fip Biddle Memorial Trailer Park who was calling to report that he, and the rest of the residents of the trailer park, were under cannon attack.
Assured that Mr. Depler wasn’t having some drink-inspired flashback to a John Wayne movie he once viewed, Police Chief Brock Granite drove to the trailer park and immediately noticed damage: a cannon ball had landed right in the middle of Maisie Oldhag’s petunias, a huge dent in the hood of Nimrod and Helvetica Sloom’s truck, and Olaf Wipplepuff, who was suffering a particularly acute case of lower intestinal disturbance when a cannon ball crashed through his bathroom window and destroyed his toilet.
Chief Granite investigated further and found himself down at Dog Lick Lake, where he encountered Cleveland “Slatz” Fritch shooting a cannon over his watermelon patch.
“I’ve lost over $2000 to crows eating my watermelons,” Fritch was heard to say. “I’m over one hundred years old! My wife just turned twenty-two! I need every cent I can get to buy her Rock ‘n Roll records and her Hula Hoops!”
Sheriff Granite explained to Fritch that not only was he firing his cannon at the Biddle Trailer Park, but he was using the wrong cannon: he needed a propane cannon, and one that you can adjust the noise so as not to disturb the neighbors.
Unfortunately, while Sheriff Granite was talking to Mr. Fritch, the cannon accidently went off and blew up the Beaverlick Police cruiser, so Mr. Fritch was arrested and charged with terrorism.
The 1st 3rd 5th and ¼ Bank has set up a memorial fund for Olaf Wipplepuff’s toilet.
Cleveland Fritch remains in jail until his hearing on Monday morning.
Tina Fritch is selling her watermelons at the corner of Daisy Mae Frontstrapper Rd. and Rt. 420, if anyone is interested.
Friday night, The Beaverlick Police received a call from Flick Depler, resident at The Fip Biddle Memorial Trailer Park who was calling to report that he, and the rest of the residents of the trailer park, were under cannon attack.
Assured that Mr. Depler wasn’t having some drink-inspired flashback to a John Wayne movie he once viewed, Police Chief Brock Granite drove to the trailer park and immediately noticed damage: a cannon ball had landed right in the middle of Maisie Oldhag’s petunias, a huge dent in the hood of Nimrod and Helvetica Sloom’s truck, and Olaf Wipplepuff, who was suffering a particularly acute case of lower intestinal disturbance when a cannon ball crashed through his bathroom window and destroyed his toilet.
Chief Granite investigated further and found himself down at Dog Lick Lake, where he encountered Cleveland “Slatz” Fritch shooting a cannon over his watermelon patch.
“I’ve lost over $2000 to crows eating my watermelons,” Fritch was heard to say. “I’m over one hundred years old! My wife just turned twenty-two! I need every cent I can get to buy her Rock ‘n Roll records and her Hula Hoops!”
Sheriff Granite explained to Fritch that not only was he firing his cannon at the Biddle Trailer Park, but he was using the wrong cannon: he needed a propane cannon, and one that you can adjust the noise so as not to disturb the neighbors.
Unfortunately, while Sheriff Granite was talking to Mr. Fritch, the cannon accidently went off and blew up the Beaverlick Police cruiser, so Mr. Fritch was arrested and charged with terrorism.
The 1st 3rd 5th and ¼ Bank has set up a memorial fund for Olaf Wipplepuff’s toilet.
Cleveland Fritch remains in jail until his hearing on Monday morning.
Tina Fritch is selling her watermelons at the corner of Daisy Mae Frontstrapper Rd. and Rt. 420, if anyone is interested.
Mishap At Fair: Local Woman Flies Rollercoaster Into Barn by Manny Polewhacker
During the first day of a weekend appearance at the Morris Dewberry Memorial Park, the Fling Blatzman Rides, Games, and Food Fair tested a new ride: “The Conniption Coaster”.
The very first person to ride the huge roller coaster was Alethea Numb, who bravely sat down in the front car of the roller coaster as it trundled up the frankly ridiculously high peak of the first hill.
From there, Alethea raised her arms as the coaster flew down the other side, then racing up the incline and shooting straight off the first curve.
When asked for comment, Fling Blatzman told this reporter: “It looks like we gotta adjust the ride. Might have to turn it down a notch.”
On a related note, Lem Denklin called 911 to report a what he thought was a meteor strike on the roof of his barn. On further investigation, the “meteor” turned out to be a fat lady whose face was stuck in the shingle tar.
Mr. Denklin asked the Sheriffs to come right away, as the fat lady was spooking his cows.
Of course, the fat lady turned out to me Alethea Numb.
The good news, if any can be gleaned from this incident, was that Alethea was knocked out by the whipping arm flab when she raised her arms. She was out cold when the coaster went flying.
She didn’t feel a thing…
More as information comes in.
(Editor's Note: Dirk Stoneman and Maria Tallchief Jones contributed to this story.)
During the first day of a weekend appearance at the Morris Dewberry Memorial Park, the Fling Blatzman Rides, Games, and Food Fair tested a new ride: “The Conniption Coaster”.
The very first person to ride the huge roller coaster was Alethea Numb, who bravely sat down in the front car of the roller coaster as it trundled up the frankly ridiculously high peak of the first hill.
From there, Alethea raised her arms as the coaster flew down the other side, then racing up the incline and shooting straight off the first curve.
When asked for comment, Fling Blatzman told this reporter: “It looks like we gotta adjust the ride. Might have to turn it down a notch.”
On a related note, Lem Denklin called 911 to report a what he thought was a meteor strike on the roof of his barn. On further investigation, the “meteor” turned out to be a fat lady whose face was stuck in the shingle tar.
Mr. Denklin asked the Sheriffs to come right away, as the fat lady was spooking his cows.
Of course, the fat lady turned out to me Alethea Numb.
The good news, if any can be gleaned from this incident, was that Alethea was knocked out by the whipping arm flab when she raised her arms. She was out cold when the coaster went flying.
She didn’t feel a thing…
More as information comes in.
(Editor's Note: Dirk Stoneman and Maria Tallchief Jones contributed to this story.)
Clem Craplin's Burger Barn
Ain’t nothin’ better than a Craplin burger. Mmm mmm!
It’s enough to make ya want ta slap yer granny down on Sunday night!
No alcoholic beverages are available, so BYOB
Entertainment provided by Clever Ethel With The Positive Shiver
Ain’t nothin’ better than a Craplin burger. Mmm mmm!
It’s enough to make ya want ta slap yer granny down on Sunday night!
No alcoholic beverages are available, so BYOB
Entertainment provided by Clever Ethel With The Positive Shiver
Welcome To Beaverlick And The Town’s ONLY Newspaper: The Beaverlick Gazette!
Beaverlick: A small town where the vast majority of the townspeople, known as Beaverlickers, spend their lives safely nuzzled in a fragrant and fastidiously manicured valley, nestled between two mountains right in the heart of the American Mid-West.
The Beaverlick Gazette celebrates the ecstasy of Beaverlick achievement that routinely judders the sleepy little valley and exposes the viruses of crime and corruption that occasionally infects the little vale.
The Beaverlick Gazette: bringing small town news to the whole wide world.
-Alvena Coldcock: Winner Of The ‘Introduce Beaverlick To Real People’ Essay Contest.
(Editor's Note: The Beaverlick Gazette Writers are: Modesty Fiona Blaise, Sparky Murphy, George Palczynski, and Kelly J Randall. Artwork by Sparky Murphy and Kelly J Randall. "Stoopid Tunes" by Psykosity)
Beaverlick: A small town where the vast majority of the townspeople, known as Beaverlickers, spend their lives safely nuzzled in a fragrant and fastidiously manicured valley, nestled between two mountains right in the heart of the American Mid-West.
The Beaverlick Gazette celebrates the ecstasy of Beaverlick achievement that routinely judders the sleepy little valley and exposes the viruses of crime and corruption that occasionally infects the little vale.
The Beaverlick Gazette: bringing small town news to the whole wide world.
-Alvena Coldcock: Winner Of The ‘Introduce Beaverlick To Real People’ Essay Contest.
(Editor's Note: The Beaverlick Gazette Writers are: Modesty Fiona Blaise, Sparky Murphy, George Palczynski, and Kelly J Randall. Artwork by Sparky Murphy and Kelly J Randall. "Stoopid Tunes" by Psykosity)
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