#11 The Beaverlick Gazette: Vice President Comes To Beaverlick, Couple Wins Wife Carrying Championship
VP COMES TO BEAVERLICK
by Dirk Stoneman:
The special red, white, and blue bunting was hung. The stores along our main street were festooned with American flags and welcome signs. Today was a the day the Vice President of the United States and his wife would be coming to our little town!
Ever since Beaverlick Mayor Delwood Oadecker received a call from the United States Secret Service and the Vice President’s staff informing the Mayor of the Vice President’s visit, street cleaners have been tidying the streets, the buildings had been power-washed and had paint touch-ups, the High School “Fighting Catfish” Marching Band had been rehearsed, and Ignatz Klinedecker has been told to keep his wife Ula in the house.
Mayor Oadecker stood in the summer sun with the rest of the Beaverlick Town Council, ready to give his speech welcoming the Vice President and the Second Lady.
“This is a huge day for the town of Beaverlick,” said Mayor Oadecker. “It isn’t every day that our town gets a visit from someone as important to our nation as the Vice President, but then again, what more quintessentially American town could the Vice President of the United States visit but our own Beaverlick?”
The Mayor continued: “For as long as there has been a Beaverlick, it’s citizens have always risen up to help. Whether responding to a natural disaster or to a call to arms, or just helping to keep our local children away from the "Eternal Tire Fire" going on the outskirts of town, the men and women of this fine American village have defended the nation, helped in times of hardship, and mostly knew when to stay out of the way and mind their own business when they realize they have no idea what they're doing. Every single citizen of Beaverlick is one hundred percent American!” he exclaimed. “Well, everyone except Cletus Reek. He came to Beaverlick fifteen years ago and lives in a big sack behind the Burger Barn. He has never spoken to anyone since he has been here. I have no idea where he’s from,”
The Vice President’s motorcade was due to arrive in Beaverlick at 2:30 PM. Families and onlookers started lining both sides of Zing Barriemore Memorial Blvd around noon. Delphina Sprockworst, Principal at Dewey P. Wright Elementary School, was doing vocal exercises, preparing to sing our National Anthem (in spite of the fact that her “vocal exercises” sounded like two cats tied in a sack.)
Meanwhile, Melvin Burneyman Sniff was out at Dog Lick Lake with that night’s celebratory firework display, which was graciously donated by the “Bill Goes Bang” Fireworks store, local purveyors of dynamite, gun powder, C4 explosives and scented candles.
As 2:30 PM approached, the citizens of Beaverlick stood, cheered, and waved, as two motorcycle policemen rode into town, followed by many black sedans, followed by the Vice-Presidential limousine, followed by more black sedans and another pair of motorcycle policemen. Their sirens blared as they rode into Beaverlick at a surprising rate of speed.
Down past the Burger Barn they rode, past the reviewing stand and past Mona Zenobiya’s Toys R Us Parlour du Femme on the other end of the main street, and roaring away past Dog Lick Lake.
When the dust of the passing motorcade settled, the band stopped playing. The crowd stopped clapping. Even though all of Beaverlick felt a little disappointed that the Vice President and Second Lady didn’t stop to visit, it was a proud day for the town that the Vice President and his entourage drove through the middle of the city. In fact, it was such a proud moment that Sheriff Curbsmacker pulled out his service pistol and shot it into the air, which Melvin Sniff thought was a signal to start the fireworks show, which he did by lighting a match and falling into the huge pile of fireworks.
For the next fifteen minutes or so, Beaverlick was under siege. Every firework in the pile went off and downtown Beaverlick was bombarded with Peony shells, Diadem and Crosette rockets, and Roman Candles. A fire started at Clem Craplin’s Burger Barn, where it then jumped to Sue Ellen Klapple’s HabitRx and Dog Washing Salon before quickly being put out by the Fire Department after their brand new "Turbo-Douse" fire truck broke down because volunteer fireman Sleet Myocindrial used the water tank to boil shrimp.
When it was all said and done, downtown Beaverlick suffered minor damage in the form of scorch marks and holes blown into the street. Cletus Reek’s burlap sack was burned up in the melee, and now he lives in a box down the path towards Dog Lick Lake.
Melvin Sniff was never found, unfortunately. But many feel his spirit floats over all of Beaverlick, in the trees, gutters, gardens, and the lake. When asked if he could sum up the events of the day, Cletus Reek said: “I formally inhabited a postbag in this urban milieu, and presently, I am existing quite well in a container by the pond. All in all, a delightful diurnal!”
Well said, Cletus. Well said.
by Dirk Stoneman:
The special red, white, and blue bunting was hung. The stores along our main street were festooned with American flags and welcome signs. Today was a the day the Vice President of the United States and his wife would be coming to our little town!
Ever since Beaverlick Mayor Delwood Oadecker received a call from the United States Secret Service and the Vice President’s staff informing the Mayor of the Vice President’s visit, street cleaners have been tidying the streets, the buildings had been power-washed and had paint touch-ups, the High School “Fighting Catfish” Marching Band had been rehearsed, and Ignatz Klinedecker has been told to keep his wife Ula in the house.
Mayor Oadecker stood in the summer sun with the rest of the Beaverlick Town Council, ready to give his speech welcoming the Vice President and the Second Lady.
“This is a huge day for the town of Beaverlick,” said Mayor Oadecker. “It isn’t every day that our town gets a visit from someone as important to our nation as the Vice President, but then again, what more quintessentially American town could the Vice President of the United States visit but our own Beaverlick?”
The Mayor continued: “For as long as there has been a Beaverlick, it’s citizens have always risen up to help. Whether responding to a natural disaster or to a call to arms, or just helping to keep our local children away from the "Eternal Tire Fire" going on the outskirts of town, the men and women of this fine American village have defended the nation, helped in times of hardship, and mostly knew when to stay out of the way and mind their own business when they realize they have no idea what they're doing. Every single citizen of Beaverlick is one hundred percent American!” he exclaimed. “Well, everyone except Cletus Reek. He came to Beaverlick fifteen years ago and lives in a big sack behind the Burger Barn. He has never spoken to anyone since he has been here. I have no idea where he’s from,”
The Vice President’s motorcade was due to arrive in Beaverlick at 2:30 PM. Families and onlookers started lining both sides of Zing Barriemore Memorial Blvd around noon. Delphina Sprockworst, Principal at Dewey P. Wright Elementary School, was doing vocal exercises, preparing to sing our National Anthem (in spite of the fact that her “vocal exercises” sounded like two cats tied in a sack.)
Meanwhile, Melvin Burneyman Sniff was out at Dog Lick Lake with that night’s celebratory firework display, which was graciously donated by the “Bill Goes Bang” Fireworks store, local purveyors of dynamite, gun powder, C4 explosives and scented candles.
As 2:30 PM approached, the citizens of Beaverlick stood, cheered, and waved, as two motorcycle policemen rode into town, followed by many black sedans, followed by the Vice-Presidential limousine, followed by more black sedans and another pair of motorcycle policemen. Their sirens blared as they rode into Beaverlick at a surprising rate of speed.
Down past the Burger Barn they rode, past the reviewing stand and past Mona Zenobiya’s Toys R Us Parlour du Femme on the other end of the main street, and roaring away past Dog Lick Lake.
When the dust of the passing motorcade settled, the band stopped playing. The crowd stopped clapping. Even though all of Beaverlick felt a little disappointed that the Vice President and Second Lady didn’t stop to visit, it was a proud day for the town that the Vice President and his entourage drove through the middle of the city. In fact, it was such a proud moment that Sheriff Curbsmacker pulled out his service pistol and shot it into the air, which Melvin Sniff thought was a signal to start the fireworks show, which he did by lighting a match and falling into the huge pile of fireworks.
For the next fifteen minutes or so, Beaverlick was under siege. Every firework in the pile went off and downtown Beaverlick was bombarded with Peony shells, Diadem and Crosette rockets, and Roman Candles. A fire started at Clem Craplin’s Burger Barn, where it then jumped to Sue Ellen Klapple’s HabitRx and Dog Washing Salon before quickly being put out by the Fire Department after their brand new "Turbo-Douse" fire truck broke down because volunteer fireman Sleet Myocindrial used the water tank to boil shrimp.
When it was all said and done, downtown Beaverlick suffered minor damage in the form of scorch marks and holes blown into the street. Cletus Reek’s burlap sack was burned up in the melee, and now he lives in a box down the path towards Dog Lick Lake.
Melvin Sniff was never found, unfortunately. But many feel his spirit floats over all of Beaverlick, in the trees, gutters, gardens, and the lake. When asked if he could sum up the events of the day, Cletus Reek said: “I formally inhabited a postbag in this urban milieu, and presently, I am existing quite well in a container by the pond. All in all, a delightful diurnal!”
Well said, Cletus. Well said.
Beaverlick Couple Wins Wife-Carrying Championship
Dirk Stoneman
A Beaverlick couple won the Regional Inter-State Wife-Carrying Championship for a second time in a row at the Morris Dewberry Memorial Park on Saturday, triumphing in a contest where men complete an obstacle course with their wives slung over their shoulders.
Jimly Aberdeen Bellwether and his wife, Bip, of 165/23+ y Cramdon Dangledonger Memorial Trail, completed the grueling and frequently harrowing course in a record time of thirty-seven minutes and six seconds.
Jimly used a revised fireman’s carry, in which he carries Bip not just thrown over one shoulder, but over both shoulders with Bip straddling the back of his neck. He held on to his dear wife with his famous “Bellwether Cross” grip; instead of reaching out and grabbing Bip’s legs, one in each hand and elbows out, Bellwether crosses his arms and holds onto his wife’s legs; gripping the inner shin of each leg. This grip “brings my elbows in,” according to Bellwether, “It’s better for wind resistance.”
Jimly, who runs a meat grinder at the local packing plant when he is not busy being a professional wife-carrier, waxes philosophical: “My Uncle Elmo always used to say: ‘Never carry the dreams of a person who will never acknowledge the weight of the sunset’, I used to think about that and it would make me cry; primarily because I think my Uncle Elmo is losing his mind.”
Jimly’s wife is more succinct: “People tend to give my husband all the credit since he has to carry me, but just let me remind them of one thing: for the entire race, I am face-to-face with his rear end,” explained Bip, “I have to be very careful what he eats the day before a race!”
The race begins at the Archie Mantits Memorial Arch with a sprint across the hot asphalt of the parking lot, and straight into the hurdles. This leg of the race has injured a good many wife throughout the years, and is the major reason why Mert Grendlefloss still can’t remember 1982.
After the dangerous and frequently ridiculous climb up the rock wall, the husbands must carry their wives through the kitchen appliance obstacle course before coming to the secretary switch, in which the wives must carry their husbands as they jump over the prone bodies of their husbands’ secretaries. This usually doesn’t work out well for the young women laying on the ground waiting to be jumped (over).
The Wife-Carrying event ends with a sprint across the width of the Chas Chandling Memorial Community Pool at the shallow end. Up until two years ago, the race used the entire pool until then-Mayor Biff Craplock forced the council to adopt rules limiting the participants of the Wife-Carrying Tournament to the shallow end of the pool after years of accidental drownings.
“I firmly believe that this tournament reflects the reality of married life,” said Jimly. “The husband is to love his wife unconditionally, carrying her across the hot parking lots of life, while the wife needs to respect the husband and not crush his neck with her vice-like thighs when he is trying to get her up the rock wall of Marital Bliss.”
Dirk Stoneman
A Beaverlick couple won the Regional Inter-State Wife-Carrying Championship for a second time in a row at the Morris Dewberry Memorial Park on Saturday, triumphing in a contest where men complete an obstacle course with their wives slung over their shoulders.
Jimly Aberdeen Bellwether and his wife, Bip, of 165/23+ y Cramdon Dangledonger Memorial Trail, completed the grueling and frequently harrowing course in a record time of thirty-seven minutes and six seconds.
Jimly used a revised fireman’s carry, in which he carries Bip not just thrown over one shoulder, but over both shoulders with Bip straddling the back of his neck. He held on to his dear wife with his famous “Bellwether Cross” grip; instead of reaching out and grabbing Bip’s legs, one in each hand and elbows out, Bellwether crosses his arms and holds onto his wife’s legs; gripping the inner shin of each leg. This grip “brings my elbows in,” according to Bellwether, “It’s better for wind resistance.”
Jimly, who runs a meat grinder at the local packing plant when he is not busy being a professional wife-carrier, waxes philosophical: “My Uncle Elmo always used to say: ‘Never carry the dreams of a person who will never acknowledge the weight of the sunset’, I used to think about that and it would make me cry; primarily because I think my Uncle Elmo is losing his mind.”
Jimly’s wife is more succinct: “People tend to give my husband all the credit since he has to carry me, but just let me remind them of one thing: for the entire race, I am face-to-face with his rear end,” explained Bip, “I have to be very careful what he eats the day before a race!”
The race begins at the Archie Mantits Memorial Arch with a sprint across the hot asphalt of the parking lot, and straight into the hurdles. This leg of the race has injured a good many wife throughout the years, and is the major reason why Mert Grendlefloss still can’t remember 1982.
After the dangerous and frequently ridiculous climb up the rock wall, the husbands must carry their wives through the kitchen appliance obstacle course before coming to the secretary switch, in which the wives must carry their husbands as they jump over the prone bodies of their husbands’ secretaries. This usually doesn’t work out well for the young women laying on the ground waiting to be jumped (over).
The Wife-Carrying event ends with a sprint across the width of the Chas Chandling Memorial Community Pool at the shallow end. Up until two years ago, the race used the entire pool until then-Mayor Biff Craplock forced the council to adopt rules limiting the participants of the Wife-Carrying Tournament to the shallow end of the pool after years of accidental drownings.
“I firmly believe that this tournament reflects the reality of married life,” said Jimly. “The husband is to love his wife unconditionally, carrying her across the hot parking lots of life, while the wife needs to respect the husband and not crush his neck with her vice-like thighs when he is trying to get her up the rock wall of Marital Bliss.”
Yesterday's Reader Poll Results:
Question" "Should Eli Flapmatter close "The Beaverlick Beanery" after the gas explosion took out the restaurant and most of the socket wrench factory, or should he be forced to rebuild using a fishing rod and a pair of nail clippers?"
Yes, a lot: 8%
Yes, a little: 41%
No, it will stay the same: 35%
No, it will worsen: 16%
Total votes: 205
Question" "Should Eli Flapmatter close "The Beaverlick Beanery" after the gas explosion took out the restaurant and most of the socket wrench factory, or should he be forced to rebuild using a fishing rod and a pair of nail clippers?"
Yes, a lot: 8%
Yes, a little: 41%
No, it will stay the same: 35%
No, it will worsen: 16%
Total votes: 205
Clem Craplin's Burger Barn
Ain’t nothin’ better than a Craplin burger. Mmm mmm!
It’s enough to make ya want ta slap yer granny down on Sunday night!
No alcoholic beverages are available, so BYOB.
Entertainment provided by Clever Ethel With The Positive Shiver!
Ain’t nothin’ better than a Craplin burger. Mmm mmm!
It’s enough to make ya want ta slap yer granny down on Sunday night!
No alcoholic beverages are available, so BYOB.
Entertainment provided by Clever Ethel With The Positive Shiver!
NEXT WEEK:
Beaverlick: A small town where the vast majority of the townspeople, known as Beaverlickers, spend their lives safely nuzzled in a fragrant and fastidiously manicured valley, nestled between two mountains right in the heart of the American Mid-West.
The Beaverlick Gazette celebrates the ecstasy of Beaverlick achievement that routinely judders the sleepy little valley and exposes the viruses of crime and corruption that occasionally infects the little vale.
The Beaverlick Gazette: bringing small town news to the whole wide world.
-Alvena Coldcock: Winner Of The ‘Introduce Beaverlick To Real People’ Essay Contest.
(Editor's Note: The Beaverlick Gazette Writers are: Modesty Fiona Blaise, Sparky Murphy, George Palczynski, and Kelly J Randall. Artwork by Sparky Murphy and Kelly J Randall. "Stoopid Tunes" by Psykosity)
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